I'd Rather Not Live Without You

[a_drop_of_the_moon]

A/N: This is alittle something I made up to get me out of my writer's block mood. I've done better, but I was having writer's block!!! And that's my excuse. XD

Disclaimer: I, sadly, do not own Sailor Moon or any of its characters.

I’d Rather Not Live Without You

Here I was: famous, rich, and still able to have a, somewhat, normal life. I was popular, more popular than any other person in Japan, and I was extremely talented in every sport that you could shake a stick at. Then there was the other me, a sailor soldier. I protected a beautiful princess, I had wonderful friends, who were also my fellow sailor soldiers, and my life would probably seem perfect to the normal, everyday person. Sadly, that was a mistake that even I made, and now, I was paying for it.

Life wasn’t perfect. It was no where near perfect. Even though I was one small step away from having what I wanted, I would never reach it. I could never get it. Life was miserable with out it, and really, there seemed to be no point in actually living on this godforsaken planet. I only wanted one thing. In fact, I would give everything else up if I could only have it…or should I say her.

The girl I wanted made my knees grow numb. My stomach tied in knots, and I always found myself attempting not to grab the goddess up in my arms. She was beautiful and her presence haunted me. Just the thought of her angelic smile brought me to tears. Her existence was slowly killing me, and sadly to say, I brought this heartache upon myself. I was the one who came to her earth, who got lost in her eyes, and came crashing down to her. I finally released my feelings into her, only to find that she had someone else.

Still, I did not stop on my journey to make her my own love. I did everything humanly possible to make her notice me. My closest friends couldn’t even stop my love of her. I made it so that I spent as much time as possible with her. She gave me a feeling of hope and relaxation that no one else had ever brought to me, and I could only imagine what it would feel like to have the girl wrapped in my arms, her soft lips pressed against my own.

For a small moment, I though she was finally beginning to give way to me, and I was ecstatic. Finally, the girl I had sought after was finally becoming mine. We fought through Yaten, Taiki, Haruka, Michiru, and then even my own princess, Kakyuu. Things were going well, but then I made the mistake of reminding my goddess of her own love; The man she really loved, and things began to crumble apart slowly at my feet. I attempted one last time to bring her back to me, but it wasn’t going to work. She knew that she only wanted her precious prince, and I would be unable to compare. With a heavy heart, I went to kiss her. Her head turned and my lips only landed on her soft cheek. It was then that I returned to my own duty with my own princess.

I no longer cared much about what I had come for, and I made another mistake. My heartbreak lead to my princess’ death, and I felt guilty. The guilt that washed over me was like I had never felt before, but still my mind could not get over the goddess that I truly wanted. The remorse of Kakyuu’s death only led Yaten and Taiki to a stronger hate towards the one girl I loved. I no longer understood anything about my friends. They were like the enemy, going against my love. They wanted to do things their own way, in spite of our princess’ death. I knew who could solve everyone’s problem; the girl I loved could conquer through every thing. Did my so-called friends believe me? No, they said my words were only spoken because my eyes were blinded by my infatuation for a girl. It wasn’t true. I knew the strong-willed side of my love. Her heart was kind and caring and she only wanted to help others, but that didn’t mean she was weak.

When the battle against Galaxia came, I ended up being the correct one. It was the goddess I loved who ended up staying strong until the very end. She pressed on even after everything she loved died before her very eyes, and at that moment I felt worthless. My strength compared no where near to hers. I felt as if I wasn’t even worthy enough to have spent time in her presence.

The battle neared its end, and as my love had always believed, no one had to be killed to end the heated war amongst the stars. She saved the twisted heart of Galaxia, and she returned all the beautiful stars of those who had died at the wrath of the evil Galaxia’s hands. My goddess’ prince returned, and for the first time I met him. My heart felt numb as I watched my love smile at the man she held close to her heart. She smiled a smile that I only had seen, and I knew then that at one time, she had truly loved me.

This should have caused me joy, to know that everything I had done hadn’t been completely pointless, but it did not, and it only caused me to have a deeper longing for her. My desire for her grew, and although she had someone special to her, I didn’t want to leave her side.

I urged my friends to let me stay on Earth, and my pleading worked. Kakyuu agreed to my selfish desire. Yaten and Taiki stayed with me, also having some hidden secret for some love of Earth.

It was months since we made our decision, and I was still alone in my own vacuous world. Me, Yaten, and Taiki were still singing our hearts out, though I had little reason to. Both of my friends were happy, something I thought would never happen unless they were both back on Kinmoku with Princess Kakyuu. Yaten had actually hooked up with Minako, and Taiki had found a love for Ami. I, on the other hand, still spent restless nights thinking of the girl I didn’t have. The girl that was unreachable, but sat beside me in class. The girl who was so close, but so far away.

Then, today, I saw my goddess. Her long golden locks of hair flew through the breeze as she walked with a slight bounce in her step. Her cheeks were a rosy pink, and her lips were curved into a smile. I felt my heart squeeze painfully in my chest as my eyes examined the girl before me. I almost melted when her eyes came in contact with my own.

“Seyia-kun, you don’t look very well. Are you feeling alright?” the goddess asked, walking towards me. Her gentle fingers rested upon my forehead and I swallowed hard. “You seem to be running a slight fever. Do you have a cold?” Her voice was filled with worry, and it only made me want to fall to my knees and cry.

I looked into her eyes and fought back the tears that were attempting to fall down my face. “I-I don’t think things have been well since I first met you,” I said, my emotions taking hold of me. I fell into the girl’s arms, crying uncontrollably. She did not turn away in disgust or fear, but she wrapped her arms around me in a comforting hug. Then I heard a man’s voice and I only began to cry harder.

“Usako, is everything alright?” Mamoru’s voice whispered from behind us.

I decided that I should pull away before Mamoru killed me, so I began to push myself away from the wonderful goddess, Usagi. To my surprise, Usagi’s arms only held me tighter to her, and I couldn’t get away.

“Seyia, shhhh, right now, it’s just me and you. Please, tell me what’s going on,” Usagi whispered softly into my ear.

I could sense that she already knew what was behind my tears, but I replied to her question anyway. “Usagi, I don’t think I can make another day without you,” I hoarsely said, my head falling into her shoulder. My hand grasped at the clothing on her shoulder like a small child, and I knew that what I was doing was foolish. I knew she wasn’t going to fall in love with me instantaneously, and she never would. I think that was what suddenly made me loose all self control.

Before anyone could say anything, I pressed my lips against my goddess’ lips. Her soft lips that I had been yearning to kiss for so long. It felt wonderful, as I had always imagined, but then it dawned on me; Mamoru was standing right behind us. Usagi was still a taken woman. She felt nothing for me.

I quickly removed myself from the embrace we were in and made a mad dash away from where I had just humiliated myself. I would never have Usagi as my own, Mamoru would never let me talk to her again, and I might as well have robbed a bank, because this would be spread everywhere. Reporters were always on the lookout for a good story, and I really didn’t feel like dealing with it all.

That was when this crazy idea came into my head. I was going insane, life was miserable, and I had no one else to turn to, so why not end life here? Why not take a turn for the better? I’d rather not live without Usagi, and if I wasn’t around, then I wouldn’t have to feel so heartbroken all the time. No one wanted to live in constant heartache, so I wouldn’t either.

I began to sprint towards my home that I shared with Taiki and Yaten. My hand plunged into my pocket and removed the keys to my home and car. My breathing was heavy and I was shaking as I fumbled with my keys, trying to find the key to the front door. Finally, I found the silver piece of metal and I jammed it into the key hole. I unlocked the door, and ran inside the house, slamming the door shut.

No one was home, so I decided to continue on with my plan. I hastily made my way to the bathroom, and I picked up a pen and paper on my way from the dinning room table. Once inside the bathroom, I began to rummage through the medicine cabinet, throwing bottles and medical supplies all over the room.

Then I found it. The sleeping pills prescribed for me. My hands shakily opened the bottle and I poured out ten or so of the purple pills. I grabbed the small plastic cup that I used to rinse my mouth and filled it with water. I began the process of taking as many pills as I could at one time and began swallowing them down.

Before I lost consciousness, (which I didn’t know when that would be, for I had never tried to commit suicide before), I sat down with my pen and paper and began to scribble down a note for Usagi. My letters looked like chicken scratch, but I was shaking so badly that it was hard to hold my pen steady.

Every second that passed by, I began to become more frightened of the death that was bound to take me at any time now. My heart was beating in my chest like mad, and I started to ask myself why I had decided this for myself. I tried to remember the reason I had before I had taken the pills, but my mind was so foggy that I couldn’t remember. My eyelids were actually getting pretty heavy, and I wasn’t sure if I would stay up much longer. I signed the bottom of my note to Usagi. The last thing I remembered was hoping that Usagi would get my note. I only wanted her to know that I loved her.

After my last thought, I fell to the ground unconscious, my note still grasped in my hand. My words on it were sincere and I wasn’t sure she’d get it but someone would, and at least someone would know how I truly felt.

----------

Usagi,
Maybe you’ll get this someday. Maybe you’ll never see it. Hopefully you do. I only want to tell you that I love you more than life itself, and today I decided that I could no longer live. I’d rather not live without you, and I know I’ll never be able to live with you. Living on a world where I must watch you and him happy all the time is just too much for this heart to handle.
Thanks for all the good memories. I’m sorry I must say goodbye like this. All I’d like to say is, please be happy for me, and maybe we can live together some other time.

With all my love,
Seyia

A/N: And there ya have it XD So how was it? Terrible? Eh, probably...Well whatever. Now I'm off to write more...

[tmchiba]

I make very limited comments on fanfic, but I think this is well written. I hope you continue to write fanfics.