Post by Kabal on Feb 1, 2007 7:00:29 GMT -5
My beloved nearly suffered a panic attack this night.
It breaks my heart that she would have so much doubt about herself. Her school work has taken a turn for the not so good, due to losing a school book for a time as well as other subjects becoming overwhelming. I did all I could to help ease her fear and doubt. She thinks she is a terrible beloved, and friend, she also thinks she is a monster...
Of all things, those baffle me the most. As they are completely untrue, She has had the patience of a Saint with me and my countless problems. And she tries hard to spend time with her friends, and to be a good friend., She thinks she is a bad daughter to her parents... Again, completely untrue, she always has their feelings on her mind. She always tries hard for everyone... She has never given up completely on anyone she truly cares about... and yes, she has never given up on me, no matter how hopeless it seemed, she overcame everything for me.
Even though she doesn't seem to know it, so I try to tell her that she is a wonderful person.
But of all the most enigmatic things... she thinks herself a monster... She has given me compassion by the ton, she has vercome so much for me, and feels as though she has done nothing. And while I am no slouch, I must work harder for her, I must overcome all I can, sick or no, she deserves someone who would do everything to save her, even if he was encumbered by lead that covered all of his body, he should find the strength to walk to her through any darkness.
I am that man, I will not just let these things consume her... I won't give up on her, not now, not ever. She has done so much for me, and for those around her. Even if her friends invade her room and she canno speak aloud to me there, she finds another room to speak in, giving up her room for them, so that they won't be bothered...
I mean... My God, it's like knowing the kindest person, and all they think of themself is that they are mean and nasty to all around them.... It is maddening, I wish to help her, but while I don't know how... I will not cow down, and admit I can do nothing. Some things I can do nothing about in my life... So many times I have been crippled by some trait within me, but I refuse.... I REFUSE to let anything do that to my beloved, I would give my right arm, quite literally if it meant she could have it, I would give my eyes so she could see... as such, I shall devote my strength to help her find hers.
I will prove to her, that her beloved is not mistaken about her.
That the love she recieves from family is not undeserved, that her friends are not burdened, but instead relieved by her friendship. And that her beloved is not a coward... that he would do anything and everything to help her, not because I owe her, but because I love her. She thinks she does not deserve it, she thinks she is a burden, when I could easily say the same of myself, but she is quicker than any other to dissolve that doubt in me.
When it comes to my beloved, my determination is infinite, when it is her that is in the line of fire from any source, I can find any amount of strength for her,
and while I know no one can really give any advice to this, or offer any sort of option, but when it comes to my strength to aid my Beloved... I have no doubt, I have no weakness if it is her that is suffering. She was the one who believed in me, when so many cursed me, beat me, and wished me dead. And now, I return this in full to her, I will not ever give up on her.
And nothing shall stop me as I seek to restore her belief in herself. Nothing shall hinder me as I help her find her strength.
In this moment, I feel no fear, no doubt... I can feel just how deep my strength and durability go, and every ounce of my soul cry out for her as she suffers similarly to ways that I have.
She once asked me why I stay, how I can stand her, long ago...
My answer is the same. When someone has given someone who lost hope their life back, how can you ever, EVER give up on that savior?
My Beloved saved my life, she saved me from destroying myself...
How, how can she ever think she is worthless? How many people can say they literally saved someone's life? My beloved can.
And she has probably saved more, I wouldn't doubt it, but she doesn't think so, because being so good a person comes so naturally that she doubts it as being good, she thinks being a wonderful person has to be hard, but that just means she is that good, doesn't it?
I know most probably won't read this, or will think I've gone bonkers...
But my reason for writing this, is simple. These feelings must be expressed. And, if per-chance my beloved reads this, and I hope she does...
I refuse to give up on you. I am not afraid of expressing what I feel, I am not ashamed to be your beloved... I have nothing but pride for you. I am proud of who you are, I am proud of the person I have watched you become!
And while you might not think you are something special... I do, and I know your friends, and your family would agree whole-hearted with me!
You have nothing to hold shame over, my Dear beloved...
Your compassion is enormous, you have so much love for people and animal alike... you do so much to help those around you...
My beloved... You try so hard to achieve your dreams, you aspire to be so many things, You view life with such positivity, and I refuse to let these doubts harm you, and keep you from what you seek to accomplish.
And though it tears me so deeply to see your disgust with yourself, I swear to God above, and any who read, that I will catch you as you fall, and if I must climb a mountain, carrying you on my back, to help you realize just how wonderful you are, so be it, this is a decision that would take less than a thousandth of a second to make.
I swear this to you, Dearest one, Your Beloved refuses to give up on you, I refuse to leave when you need me most, I refuse to let your fear swallow you whole. You trust me deep, and love me greatly, yet hate yourself and look upon yourself with disgust...
You call me strong, and yourself weak, when it is I who have succumb to so many an ail... Well, now it's my turn to take your hand, and even though it's dark we'll find our way.
You helped me realize that I am worth more than I thought, and now I shall strive with endless fervor to do the same...
You are not worthless, not now not ever, you have given so much strength to many, You might look in the mirror and cry, But what do you think your loved ones see? They see hope within that smile... And with every hug and word, you help them heal from wounds incurred from life.
And so you see, my dear one... This is one man who refuses to let your hope die. Life can strike me, any way it sees fit, but when it strikes you, I draw the line. If blows are thrown, then I'm your shield. If striken blind, then I'm your eyes.
if ever, something saps your strength, then I'll be yours to any length.
Now and forever, those were my vow... To be your beloved, here and now.
Forgive me for this long rant... But I just needed to express some feelings deep inside. Some things hurt to hold within, and I needed to scream this from the metaphorical mountain top. She tends to tune out when I praise her... so I had to say this somewhere.
And if my beloved does read this... I love you, and I am proud of the love we share. I will not fail you... I will not let you fall, just as so many, many times you've saved me.
Through you, I've found strength, and now, my dearest, it's your turn. It is your turn to heal.
Signed,
Ever faithfully,
Your Ani-san
It breaks my heart that she would have so much doubt about herself. Her school work has taken a turn for the not so good, due to losing a school book for a time as well as other subjects becoming overwhelming. I did all I could to help ease her fear and doubt. She thinks she is a terrible beloved, and friend, she also thinks she is a monster...
Of all things, those baffle me the most. As they are completely untrue, She has had the patience of a Saint with me and my countless problems. And she tries hard to spend time with her friends, and to be a good friend., She thinks she is a bad daughter to her parents... Again, completely untrue, she always has their feelings on her mind. She always tries hard for everyone... She has never given up completely on anyone she truly cares about... and yes, she has never given up on me, no matter how hopeless it seemed, she overcame everything for me.
Even though she doesn't seem to know it, so I try to tell her that she is a wonderful person.
But of all the most enigmatic things... she thinks herself a monster... She has given me compassion by the ton, she has vercome so much for me, and feels as though she has done nothing. And while I am no slouch, I must work harder for her, I must overcome all I can, sick or no, she deserves someone who would do everything to save her, even if he was encumbered by lead that covered all of his body, he should find the strength to walk to her through any darkness.
I am that man, I will not just let these things consume her... I won't give up on her, not now, not ever. She has done so much for me, and for those around her. Even if her friends invade her room and she canno speak aloud to me there, she finds another room to speak in, giving up her room for them, so that they won't be bothered...
I mean... My God, it's like knowing the kindest person, and all they think of themself is that they are mean and nasty to all around them.... It is maddening, I wish to help her, but while I don't know how... I will not cow down, and admit I can do nothing. Some things I can do nothing about in my life... So many times I have been crippled by some trait within me, but I refuse.... I REFUSE to let anything do that to my beloved, I would give my right arm, quite literally if it meant she could have it, I would give my eyes so she could see... as such, I shall devote my strength to help her find hers.
I will prove to her, that her beloved is not mistaken about her.
That the love she recieves from family is not undeserved, that her friends are not burdened, but instead relieved by her friendship. And that her beloved is not a coward... that he would do anything and everything to help her, not because I owe her, but because I love her. She thinks she does not deserve it, she thinks she is a burden, when I could easily say the same of myself, but she is quicker than any other to dissolve that doubt in me.
When it comes to my beloved, my determination is infinite, when it is her that is in the line of fire from any source, I can find any amount of strength for her,
and while I know no one can really give any advice to this, or offer any sort of option, but when it comes to my strength to aid my Beloved... I have no doubt, I have no weakness if it is her that is suffering. She was the one who believed in me, when so many cursed me, beat me, and wished me dead. And now, I return this in full to her, I will not ever give up on her.
And nothing shall stop me as I seek to restore her belief in herself. Nothing shall hinder me as I help her find her strength.
In this moment, I feel no fear, no doubt... I can feel just how deep my strength and durability go, and every ounce of my soul cry out for her as she suffers similarly to ways that I have.
She once asked me why I stay, how I can stand her, long ago...
My answer is the same. When someone has given someone who lost hope their life back, how can you ever, EVER give up on that savior?
My Beloved saved my life, she saved me from destroying myself...
How, how can she ever think she is worthless? How many people can say they literally saved someone's life? My beloved can.
And she has probably saved more, I wouldn't doubt it, but she doesn't think so, because being so good a person comes so naturally that she doubts it as being good, she thinks being a wonderful person has to be hard, but that just means she is that good, doesn't it?
I know most probably won't read this, or will think I've gone bonkers...
But my reason for writing this, is simple. These feelings must be expressed. And, if per-chance my beloved reads this, and I hope she does...
I refuse to give up on you. I am not afraid of expressing what I feel, I am not ashamed to be your beloved... I have nothing but pride for you. I am proud of who you are, I am proud of the person I have watched you become!
And while you might not think you are something special... I do, and I know your friends, and your family would agree whole-hearted with me!
You have nothing to hold shame over, my Dear beloved...
Your compassion is enormous, you have so much love for people and animal alike... you do so much to help those around you...
My beloved... You try so hard to achieve your dreams, you aspire to be so many things, You view life with such positivity, and I refuse to let these doubts harm you, and keep you from what you seek to accomplish.
And though it tears me so deeply to see your disgust with yourself, I swear to God above, and any who read, that I will catch you as you fall, and if I must climb a mountain, carrying you on my back, to help you realize just how wonderful you are, so be it, this is a decision that would take less than a thousandth of a second to make.
I swear this to you, Dearest one, Your Beloved refuses to give up on you, I refuse to leave when you need me most, I refuse to let your fear swallow you whole. You trust me deep, and love me greatly, yet hate yourself and look upon yourself with disgust...
You call me strong, and yourself weak, when it is I who have succumb to so many an ail... Well, now it's my turn to take your hand, and even though it's dark we'll find our way.
You helped me realize that I am worth more than I thought, and now I shall strive with endless fervor to do the same...
You are not worthless, not now not ever, you have given so much strength to many, You might look in the mirror and cry, But what do you think your loved ones see? They see hope within that smile... And with every hug and word, you help them heal from wounds incurred from life.
And so you see, my dear one... This is one man who refuses to let your hope die. Life can strike me, any way it sees fit, but when it strikes you, I draw the line. If blows are thrown, then I'm your shield. If striken blind, then I'm your eyes.
if ever, something saps your strength, then I'll be yours to any length.
Now and forever, those were my vow... To be your beloved, here and now.
Forgive me for this long rant... But I just needed to express some feelings deep inside. Some things hurt to hold within, and I needed to scream this from the metaphorical mountain top. She tends to tune out when I praise her... so I had to say this somewhere.
And if my beloved does read this... I love you, and I am proud of the love we share. I will not fail you... I will not let you fall, just as so many, many times you've saved me.
Through you, I've found strength, and now, my dearest, it's your turn. It is your turn to heal.
Signed,
Ever faithfully,
Your Ani-san